Why?

Dare I ask why? And if I dare to whom should I direct the question? WHY?!

It is a daily anguished cry from the depths of my soul...Why did she drown? Why could we not have found her sooner? If then there was a lesson to be learned, a show of His miraculous power why then did she not walk out of ICU, completely healed? It is not as if I asked the impossible, it happened for so many other kids. Parents and kids in similar circumstances who survived and thrived even with apparent odds against them.

I remember clearly that first week in ICU, the fear, the angst, but also the positive prognosis from the doctor and medical team. The feeling that we will be part of the lucky ones that will take our daughter home the way we knew her...  And then that terrible day, the ARDS, the refusal of her body to take in oxygen, the prolonged hypoxic onslaught on her brain and the inevitable cardiac arrest.  It was then that the picture changed, that her injury became profound and she arched into a terrible posture, evidence of the harsh reality. Why then did this happen? Why could we all have not been spared this impactful syndrome?

We took her to the rehabilitation hospital, and she improved beyond expectation, letting our hope soar! Then came another relapse, a grand mal seizure, with the negligence of the night nursing staff to react, and the visible impact on Juneldè...Her fragile body and brain losing the battle and leaving my confused outcry: Why?

She subsequently fought a seven week rotavirus, bladder infections, pneumonia, liver failure, and immense daily pain from spastic dystonic muscles. We travelled from hospital to hospital when finally after six months we could take her home.

Two days later hit the second grand mal seizure, leaving her with no breath and only a faint heartbeat. We rushed to the ER and she was readmitted to hospital. That seemed like the final blow, the one that her body and brain had no fight left to stand up against. We were given no hope for her future. Told to find her a hospice...All the groundwork we have covered and improvement she has made null and voided by this event.  And again, every beat of my desperate heart asks, why?

You would think that whilst in the midst of a storm, with hurricane strong winds there is no opportunity for added disaster.   Then the tsunami overcome you, with a rogue wave you did not see coming. For us this was in the shape of an armed robbery, fearing for our lives and hearing the gunshots being fired just outside the door...Dare I ask, why?

All of this leaving us short of breath, soul weary, rundown, spiritually deficient...

We have always dreamt of having a couple of kids, their lively chatter and laughter filling the house. This dream is still alive and for more than two years we have prayed for and waited for our second child. We have made peace with the fact that God's timing is divine and greatly rejoiced when we were certain our prayers were answered.  Then came the miscarriage, and even though it was very early, and I chose to put my head in the ground and hid away from the pain reality  brings, I could not run away from the question most prevalent in my mind...Dear God, Why?

"It is not fair, Abba Father! We are good people, loving You, clinging to our faith and hope.  Choosing to believe and stand steadfast in your word and promises!"

The noise of my mental daily struggle overshadowed His voice. I was so sure He decided to keep quiet, not realising that it was I who cannot hear Him.  Through His grace came the opportunity to "Be still and know that I am God".

" Did I ever promise you that life will be fair?"

I was stunned, “But God, it just seems personal, non-sensical, never-ending!"

"My child, There is no fair or unfair. There is only trust...Trust Me, trust ME, TRUST ME! For I am JUST..."

This was my answer from a God so incredible, mighty and great...

Why...

Why was her life restored twice when it should not have been? Why do I still have the privilege to hold her, love her, care for her? Why did she recover after every physical illness and why is she still making progress? Why did he give us promises to hold on to and continue to lift us in hope and faith? Why are we given strength beyond what is humanly possible? Why were we protected during the robbery beyond what makes sense? Why do we have prayer warriors lifting us up?  Why do we have close family and friends who continually support us, carry us and loving us? 

If I dare then to ask the why questions from my own painful perspective and rundown mind, I must also be willing to face the Light of His mercy, clearly visible in everyday of our lives...